Obama Recommends Bathing in Hand Sanitizer as Part of New “Green” Initiative

Recommendation Spearheads Administration’s Water Conservation Efforts

-Washington, DC (Rueters)

President Barack Obama, in a press conference held jointly with Secretary of Energy Steven Chu, announced Tuesday a new eco-friendly initiative in which Americans will be urged to stop taking baths and showers and use bottled, alcohol-based hand sanitizers instead. The effort, code-named Project Hand-San, seeks to reduce domestic water usage numbers by about 10 percent by encouraging Americans to wash themselves daily, semi-daily, or even weekly using only hand sanitizers.

According to Secretary Chu, “Nearly 10 percent of all water used in the domestic setting comes from showers and baths. With Project Hand-San, we will try and eliminate this source of water usage completely by encouraging Americans to bathe in soft, soothing, silky hand sanitizer. Just imagine squeezing some all over your body, onto your face, your chest, your belly, your arms, your legs, your genitals…and rubbing and rubbing until it’s all dry…ahhh…”

After a moment during which he drooled with his mouth wide open, Secretary Chu continued, “Anyway, the point is that this is a no-mess way with which to clean your body. You even further reduce water usage by eliminating the need to clean towels, which by this point would be all but unnecessary. By proceeding with Project Hand-San, we will be able to avoid the monetary and environmental costs associated with using water to clean oneself.”

Part of the effort to promote the usage of hand sanitizer will include government-sponsored ads featuring models and well-known actors and actresses such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Penelope Cruz rubbing their naked bodies with hand sanitizer. Further plans include the subsidizing of companies such as Purell to produce more quantities of hand sanitizer, and packaged in larger, 5-gallon ketchup-style dispensers.

Also envisioned as an extension to Project Hand-San is a massive effort to reduce the amount of toilet water used.

According to President Obama, “Statistics show that 10 to 15 percent of domestic water use is due to toilet-flushing. That’s why, as a part of Project Hand-San, we are also trying to reduce the number of times Americans flush their toilets. Our new motto, which will be featured heavily in the form of television, print, and online advertising will be ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s a big brown shit, let it sit’.”

Added Obama with a smile, “That one was my idea.”

In all, Project Hand-San—along with its toilet-usage reduction provision—will have the potential to reduce household water usage numbers by almost 20 percent. And while many liberals and environmentalists are hailing the move, others are bound to remain apprehensive.

CNN contributor Candy Crowley suggests, “This will be a difficult move for many to make; Americans are notoriously ritualized about things like bathing habits, and many will be hesitant or skeptical to make such changes in their daily routines. But I must admit, the idea of rubbing cool, smooth hand sanitizer over the mountainous folds of skin on my naked torso while a massive dookie floats in the toilet behind me is pretty hot.”

Police Search for Rape Suspect with “ASSRPST” Vanity Plate

Police Search for Rape Suspect with “ASSRPST” Vanity Plate

-Bronx, New York (AIP)

Police are investigating a rape that occurred near the intersection of Willis Avenue and East 140th Street in the South Bronx early Tuesday morning. Preliminary reports suggest that an unidentified bystander heard screams coming from a third floor apartment at approximately 2:35 AM, after which a suspect was observed fleeing down the fire escape. The suspect, who was described as a black male in his mid- to late-20s of thin build and medium height, then fled in a dark, mid-90s model Honda Civic. According to the witness, the vehicle bears a New York-registered vanity plate reading “ASSRPST”. Police encourage anyone with information regarding this crime to contact the New York Police Department.

Breaking News: Area Man Turning in Werewolf

Breaking News: Area Man Turning in Werewolf

Bernie Madoff Raped in Prison for the First Time

Bernie Madoff Raped in Prison for the First Time

-Butner, North Carolina (Rueters)

Bernie Madoff, who last week was imprisoned in Butner Federal Correctional Facility to a 150-year sentence for defrauding investors of billions of dollars, has reportedly experienced his first prison rape. Madoff reportedly dropped a bar of soap in the communal shower when he was mounted by a fellow white-collar criminal, mobster Angelo “Big Salami” D’Angelo, who was sentenced to a 125-year prison sentence in 1998 for racketeering. The forced copulation lasted approximately 43 seconds, after which Madoff fell to the wet floor, was kicked, and was informed by D’Angelo that he was “gonna be [D’Angelo’s] bitch for a while.”

Area Asshole Contemplates Buying Black Crown Victoria So People Think He’s a Cop

Area Asshole Contemplates Buying Black Crown Victoria So People Think He’s a Cop

-Signal Hill, California (AIP)

According to sources, Signal Hill man D’Lonte McMaster has been contemplating buying a black Ford Crown Victoria so that other drivers would think he was a highway patrolman. The assholeish consideration comes after the 33 year old bank teller reportedly freaked out after driving drunk and spotting a black Crown Victoria on the 405 Freeway early Sunday morning, only to realize it was a civilian vehicle. According to McMaster’s longtime friend and confidante O’Mario Harbree, “it would be fucking awesome to have one…just to fuck with these motherfuckers, you know what I’m saying?”

“Lately, My Stool’s Been a Yellowish-Green,” Coworker Informs You

“Lately, My Stool’s Been a Yellowish-Green,” Coworker Informs You

-The Coffee Machine, Your Office (AIP)

This morning, coworker Stephan Gershwin informed you at the coffee machine that “lately, [his] stool’s been a yellowish-green color”. Gershwin, who recently also informed you that he has had trouble performing sexually as of late, and that he found copious amounts of marijuana and heroin in his son’s room, is not sure what has been causing the change in his feces’ color, but apparently feels that he “may need more fiber in [his] diet”.

Area Man Masturbates to Self

Area Man Masturbates to Self

-Plano, Texas (AIP)

Various reports suggest that Plano resident Keith Stroker, 28, masturbated to himself Saturday night while drunk at a party at longtime friend Jerome “Jerry” Harkingorder’s home. Stroker, who has exhibited neither gay or incestuous tendencies in the past, was reportedly so taken by himself that when seeing himself in the bathroom mirror after an inebriated urination session, he could not help but gratify himself while fantasizing about himself.  Stroker (who was involved in no other confirmed sexual activity during the night in question), denied any such self-directed auto-erotic activity. He did, however, vaguely remember “banging this ugly sort of chick at Jerry’s. It was okay.”

Area Man Masturbates to Self

-Plano, Texas (AIP)

Various reports suggest that Plano resident Keith Stroker, 28, masturbated to himself Saturday night while drunk at a party at longtime friend Jerome “Jerry” Harkingorder’s home. Stroker, who has exhibited neither gay or incestuous tendencies in the past, was reportedly so taken by himself that when seeing himself in the bathroom mirror after an inebriated urination session, he could not help but gratify himself while fantasizing about himself. Stroker, when questioned about the incident, denied any such self-directed auto-erotic activity. He did, however, vaguely remember “banging this ugly sort of chick at Jerry’s. It was okay.”

Ford Announces Foray into Minicar Market with New “Faggotmobile”

Ford Announces Foray into Minicar Market with New “Faggotmobile”

-Dearborn, Michigan (AIP)

Struggling automaker Ford announced Friday its entry into the minicar market with the unveiling of the 2011 Ford Faggotmobile. The announcement comes on the heels of Ford’s promise earlier last week to move towards producing more efficient, environmentally-friendly vehicles.

According to Ford President and CEO Alan Mulally, “The new Faggotmobile represents a huge leap forward in our goal to manufacture a greener car. The Faggotmobile will tap into markets we’ve previously ignored or alienated.”

When asked why, after so many years, Ford has finally begun in earnest producing economical, low-emissions vehicles, Mulally was straightforward.

“Our large trucks and SUVs have been catering to a masculine, middle-American demographic that doesn’t give a crap about gas emissions, the environment, and money spent on gasoline. But with the new Faggotmobile, we hope to reach out to vegans, tree-huggers, Naderites, and queers—in short, the annoyingly-vocal minorities that increasingly have been dictating American public policy. It’s our way to make sure we can get money from the damn Obama Administration to salvage our goddamn company.”

According to Mulally, the Faggotmobile will vaguely resemble a Smart Car, and will be available in a two-door model and a three-door hatchback designed specifically for lesbians. It will seat two and will boast a fuel economy rating of approximately 60 miles per gallon. Options will include flower decals on the exterior, copies of Unsafe at Any Speed in the glove compartment, and official Starbucks cupholders.

The Faggotmobile, which will go on sale in the first quarter of 2010, will debut at a suggested retail price of 7,995 USD.

“Most Interesting Man in the World” Still Wets the Bed

Distinguished Diplomat and Olympic Gold Medalist Also Wears Adult Diapers

Monte Carlo, Monaco (AIP)

According to sources close to him, the Most Interesting Man in the World still involuntarily urinates in his sleep. The Interesting Man, who is known to hold a Ph.D. in Particle Physics from MIT and have served in numerous diplomatic posts in the United Nations, is currently dating several Brazilian supermodels. He also apparently wears adult diapers in the daytime, and has suffered from poor bladder control for the majority of his adult life.

MIT Mathematicians Engaged in Love n-gon

MIT Mathematicians Engaged in Love n-gon

-Cambridge, Massachusetts (Rueters)

Reports suggest that a collection of n mathematicians from the Mathematics Department of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are engaged in a love n-gon with one another.  The sordid affair, which apparently began as a love triangle between Drs. Marla Washington, Quentin Fabregas, and Jorge Manafuertes, soon escalated to a love rectangle involving number theorist Dr. Jerry Huang. Before long, the liaison exploded into an affair involving n mathematicians. It is believed that of the possible n(n-1)/2 couplings, only one—involving differential geometer Hans Grauhauser and combinatorialist Ravi Ramakrishnan—has yet to be consummated.