LAPD Stumped in Search for 7 Foot Tall Rape Suspect

Police Have No Leads on Asian Giant Suspected of Rape

Los Angeles, California (AIP)

The Los Angeles Police Department has admitted that it is at a loss to explain why no leads have yet been uncovered in the search for the suspect in a rape which took place nearly two weeks ago. According to nearly a dozen eyewitnesses, the rape, which occurred in broad daylight at approximately noon on the 28th of December at the corner of Wilshire Blvd. and Western Ave., was allegedly perpetrated by a man standing approximately 7 feet tall.

“We must admit that, despite using all possible resources and placing as many officers and detectives as we can on this case, we have had no leads in locating this suspect,” said Department spokesman Officer Guillermo Sanchez-De La Vega at a press conference Monday. “We have no leads whatsoever in locating this 7 foot tall rape suspect. We therefore must ask the public for their assistance in providing any information, any leads at all, that may lead us to arrest this individual.”

According to the official report filed with the LAPD, the suspect is described as being of East Asian descent, sporting a goatee, dressed in a neon green tracksuit, and standing approximately 7 feet tall. He fled the scene in a yellow 1954 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible.

This acknowledgement by the LAPD of failing to turn up any leads comes amidst reports of internal conflict within the department and questions regarding its management as a number of high-profile crimes in recent months have gone unsolved. Only last Wednesday, a bank in East Los Angeles was robbed in broad daylight by four men in wheelchairs, and while the Department has publicly stated that it is working on several tips, sources within the Department have stated that detectives have no leads at all. As such, many Angelenos must be asking themselves why their police force is failing so badly in catching suspected criminals.

According to an expert on the inner workings of the LAPD, Professor Gerard von Schonenberg of UCLA, a number of different issues could be plaguing the LAPD and hindering its ability to catch criminals.

“There could be any number of things causing problems within the LAPD,” explains von Schonenberg. “It could be simple mismanagement of time and money, it could be the recent increase in the number of coffee and doughnut breaks granted to on-duty officers, it’s really up in the air. Unless the LAPD is more forthcoming and open about its internal issues, it’s a guessing game.”

In the meantime, however, the LAPD will be under increased pressure and public scrutiny in its pursuit of this rape suspect, a fact that Officer Sanchez-De La Vega acknowledges.

“We are well-aware of the public’s desire to apprehend this suspect,” said Sanchez-De La Vega, “and it is in the interest of the Department, the City of Los Angeles, and the people of Los Angeles that we all cooperate and work together to find this suspect. So, if you see a 7 foot tall Asian man with a goatee and wearing a neon green tracksuit and driving a 1954 Chevy, we urge you to contact authorities immediately.”

Added Sanchez-De La Vega, “Wait—what? Okay, he was also apparently wearing clown makeup. So if you see a 7 foot tall Asian guy with a goatee, wearing a neon green tracksuit, driving a yellow 1954 Chevy, and wearing clown makeup, we urge you to contact the LAPD immediately. Thank you.”

New Poll: 100% of Straight Men Would Rather Watch Victoria’s Secret Commercials than Dove “Real Beauty” Commercials

Straight Men Repulsed by Displays of Average Womens’ Bodies on National Television

Washington, DC (Rueters)

According to a newly-released poll conducted by the Consumer Trends Research Institute (CTRI), the vast majority of heterosexual men would rather view Victoria’s Secret commercials rather than Dove “Real Beauty” commercials. The Dove Real Beauty Campaign, launched in 2004, and its associated Self-Esteem Fund (begun in 2006), are aimed at highlighting the intrinsic “beauty” and natural variation among average women, in contrast to the idealized and stylized female form typically seen in advertising media. According to CTRI spokesman Harrison Darnelian, however, “this recent poll has shown that, while such advertisements are popular among women, the men polled have reacted strongly against such ‘naturalistic’ depictions of females.”

During polling, CTRI kept track of both the gender and the sexual orientation of the respondents. According to Darnelian, “Our findings suggest that most women—about 94%—support Dove’s efforts to highlight more realistic depictions of the female form; these findings are consistent for both heterosexual and lesbian women. When men were polled, however, the results couldn’t be more different.”

The CTRI results suggest that the vast majority of heterosexual men react negatively to the Dove advertising campaign. While 86% of homosexual men support the Dove campaign, 94% of heterosexual men indicated that they were either “turned off”, “disgusted”, or “repulsed” by the Dove models. When asked whether they would rather see Victoria’s Secret ads or the Dove “Real Beauty” ads, a resounding 100% of heterosexual men indicated a preference for the Victoria’s Secret ads.

While the poll seems to indicate that men prefer viewing idealized female forms in advertisements, male sentiment becomes much clearer when individual comments from the polling are taken into account.

“We gave the male respondents a chance to comment upon their poll choices,” says Darnelian, “and many of them echoed the same general feeling.”

According to Darnelian, some comments given by heterosexual males include:

• “Women that look like that shouldn’t be so comfortable with their bodies.”
• “When I was younger, I knew that when I’d turn on the TV, there would be attractive women with nice bodies in the commercials. Now I’m watching TV, and I see this shit?”
• “Listen, when I watch TV, I want to see something special. Like that Miranda Kerr? Look at the body on her. That’s what I want to see when I turn the TV on, not the middle-aged flab that I already have to see at home on my own wife.”

Says Darnelian: “The general consensus among heterosexual males is that these commercials suck.”

As mentioned, however, male homosexual responses to the ads were largely positive, with many respondents noting the empowering feeling such advertisements were likely to give women of average appearance.

“Gay male comments, in stark contrast to those given by straight men, were highly affirmative,” explains Darnelian. “Examples of comments from homosexual males include ‘Not every girl has got it like Gisele, but that don’t mean you still ain’t beautiful!’ and ‘You rock that body, girl!’.

“Obviously, gays feel a strong sense of camaraderie with women, and empathize and identify with them.”

It is unclear whether Dove plans to incorporate any suggestions from the CTRI polling into future ad campaigns; efforts to reach a Dove spokesperson were unsuccessful. Nevertheless, according to Darnelian, the results of the polling are conclusive, and indicate a prevailing sentiment among heterosexual men that he himself shares. “I know that whenever those Dove commercials come on, my wife always mentions how great they are, and I just smile and nod,” he says. “Of course, I’m just waitin’ for them Angels to come on the screen so I can get a glimpse of that booty!”

New Gospel Found in Egypt Suggests Jesus, Judas Were Lovers

Previously Unknown Gospel Paints Radical New Picture of Jesus and Judas

Cairo, Egypt (AIP)

A team of archaeologists excavating in central Egypt have announced the discovery of a papyrus manuscript that, if taken literally, could rock the foundations of the world’s largest religion. The manuscript, titled The Gospel of Jesus and Judas and dated from the late first century to the early second century AD, was discovered inside a clay jar buried near Minya, Egypt. Most shocking, however, is the way that this previously unknown gospel depicts the relationship between Jesus and the disciple that would ultimately betray him to Roman authorities, Judas Iscariot.

According to team leader and Professor of Near Eastern Studies at Yale, Dr. Wendy-Anna Jones, “This gospel is remarkable not only in that it is represented by an exceptionally well-preserved document from a formative stage in the development of Christianity, but that it shows the relationship between Judas and Jesus as being far more intimate than what anyone could have imagined: as one of lovers.”

The gospel, written in Coptic by an author calling himself “Sebastianos of Alexandria”, is largely identical to the Gospel of Mark, which Biblical scholars generally believe to be the oldest of the four canonical Gospels found in the New Testament. Contained within the Gospel of Jesus and Judas, however, are details which are not to be found in Mark―or any other gospel, for that matter.

“Jesus and Judas contains numerous details regarding Jesus’ personal life which are not to be found anywhere else,” says Dr. Jones. “For instance, we find the following:

And he appointed twelve, whom he also named apostles…so he appointed…Judas Iscariot, whom he loved most dearly, whom he lay with as husband lays with wife, and who betrayed him.

“The appointing of the Twelve Apostles follows a narrative that is virtually the same as Mark, except for the part telling us that Jesus and Judas were lovers.”

The Gospel of Jesus and Judas goes further, says Jones. “One line states, ‘And the love of Jesus for Judas was wonderful, passing even the love of women,’ echoing a similar line in the Books of Samuel describing the love between King David and Jonathan. Such a reference would have undoubtedly strengthened the connection early Christians sought to make between David and his successor, the Messiah Jesus.”

According to Jones, who describes herself as a practicing, non-denominational Christian, “To early Christians, the romantic relationship between Judas and Jesus would have made Judas’ betrayal that much more evil, and would certainly have increased the value of Jesus’ self-sacrifice in their eyes.”

The discovery of the Gospel of Jesus and Judas will certainly be met with skepticism and possibly hostility by Biblical scholars and believers alike, a likelihood Jones acknowledges. Nonetheless, she argues, that Jesus was gay would not have been at all out of the ordinary in first century Palestine. “The Jews who inhabited the Holy Land in the first century were what historians call ‘Hellenized Jews’, meaning they adopted the Greek language and other Greek customs, including pederasty,” says Jones, referring to the ancient Greek practice in which an older man would provide philosophical guidance to a younger male within the context of what was often a sexual relationship. “In Jesus’ role as  a philosopher, this type of behavior would not have been viewed too strangely amongst Hellenized Jews, though it would have raised the ire of the conservative Jewish religious authorities.”

The fact remains, however, that, if the account of the Gospel of Jesus and Judas is true, at some point early in the history of Christianity, evidence of this aspect of Jesus’ life was suppressed. “My belief is that Jesus’ homosexuality, if indeed historical truth, was struck from the historical record so as to make Christianity more appealing to a broader audience. It’s also probably for this reason that this gospel has been so well-hidden for so long.”

And what of the recent, popular theories suggesting that Jesus had a romantic relationship with Mary Magdalene? “Tenuous, as best,” says Dr. Jones. “These theories are supported by liberal translations of vague passages, or, in many cases, the actual insertion of text supporting the theory in places where the manuscript has been damaged. On the other hand, our translation of Jesus and Judas is one based on clear terminology and a nearly complete manuscript. In my view, Mary Magdalene was not Jesus’ lover or the mother of his child, but simply―to use modern terminology―a ‘fag hag’.”

The work of Dr. Jones and her team will be presented in the upcoming issue of Review of Biblical Archaeology, to be published August 23rd.

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Jesus Has Risen

Bob Dylan Loses Cell Phone

Senile Musician Loses Cell Phone at Amusement Park
Malibu, California (Rueters)

Music legend Bob Dylan, who made headlines late last year by purchasing his first cell phone, has reportedly lost the cell phone and is currently issuing an open plea to his fans worldwide to return it should any of them come across it. A statement issued on the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer’s website this past Monday reads:

“To all my fans and friends,
As many of you know, I recently purchased my first cell phone. Last week, while at an outing with one of my children at a well-known Southern California amusement park known as Dinseyland [sic], I lost my cell phone. My phone is an iPhone (3G model) in a bright pink case and the wallpaper is the cover from Blonde on Blonde. On the back, I have written in magic marker, ‘This phone is property of Bob Dylan’. There is a lot of sensitive information on that phone, and pictures of a personal nature, too. I ask if any of you happen to come across it, to please mail it my record company, Columbia Records, at the address given below. There is a substantial reward and probably some backstage passes to one of my shows being offered for its recovery. I may have been on Space Mountain when I lost it.”

According to insiders, Dylan is notorious for losing things and becoming extremely agitated when he does so. According to a long-time road crew member who wishes to remain anonymous, “Bob loses stuff all the time, but he’s also pretty cheap, so anytime he loses anything, he goes nuts. I remember once, he lost a mitten, and he spent something like 5 hours looking for it on the tour buses and in the hotel…that thing must’ve cost like $1.25, but he kept on looking. He never did find it.”

When asked to comment, his son, filmmaker Jesse Dylan, corroborated the picture painted of his father. “Dad loses stuff pretty often, even really expensive stuff that’s hard to lose. I remember once, in 1994, he lost his car. It was a 1989 Ford Taurus, and he looked everywhere for it, for weeks and weeks, all over LA. He even flew to New York to look for it, which I didn’t really get. Filed reports and everything, but he never saw it again.”

Amongst his fans, however, speculation has arisen as to what kind of content the famously reclusive rocker has on his coveted iPhone. Theories ranging from steamy photographs to evidence of hitherto unknown children have been proposed on various fan websites, and it appears now that many fans are now making the pilgrimage to Disneyland in order to locate the phone: Disneyland has reported a spike in visitors to the theme park since Tuesday, which it attributes to the news of Dylan’s lost phone and maniacally overzealous fans. While whether or not Bob Dylan has naked photographs of himself or evidence of secret children stored on his phone remains to be seen, it is undeniable that many fans will try to seize the opportunity (however minuscule it is) to get a bit closer to their musical hero.

Area Woman Raped, iPod Stolen

64GB iPod Touch Stolen from Local Woman

New York, New York (AIP)

Last night a woman was assaulted and raped near the intersection of 18th Avenue and 73rd Street in Brooklyn just after midnight. The victim, who has chosen to remain unidentified, also had her brand-new 64GB iPod Touch stolen from her.

According to witnesses, the assailant—who is described by witnesses as a Hispanic male of medium height and heavy build wearing a blue Brooklyn Dodgers cap—approached the woman from behind, grabbed her arm, and dragged her into a nearby alleyway, where he proceeded to sexually assault her for approximately 2 minutes. Afterwards, witnesses allege, he grabbed her iPod, and ran, while the victim—lying on the ground, bleeding—shouted, “Stop him! He stole my iPod!”

The victim’s iPod, which boasts a crystal-clear 3.5 inch screen and a sleek black case, features state-of-the-art technologies such as the Mac iPhone OS 3.1 operating system, a multi-touch graphical user interface, and Wi-Fi capabilities. According to statements made by the victim to the New York Police Department after the crime, the iPod in question had approximately 1,500 songs stored on it, including such contemporary hits as “Empire State of Mind” by rapper Jay-Z (featuring Alicia Keys) and “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga, as well as classics such as “Roxanne” by the Police and “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart. The victim was reportedly distraught at having such a prized possession stolen.

When asked about the gravity of the crime, Lieutenant Michael Romano of the New York City Police Department (62nd Precinct) remarked, “The iPod Touch is a first-class piece of technology. I, my wife, and my son all have one, so I can imagine quite easily what the victim and her family are going through at this time. I know I would be devastated if my iPod was stolen. I can assure the public that we are doing everything we can, taking absolute advantage of every resource available to us in order to capture this notorious iPod thief, and also rapist.”

Jasper McNamara: An Open Letter to My Girlfriend

Happy Abortion Anniversary!!!

By Jasper McNamara

Darling, you and I have come a long way. From our humble beginning as friendly coworkers at the local 7-11, to our wonderful, movie-going courtship, to our three-year long period of cohabitation at my parents’ place–we have been through a lot together. We’ve experienced the things all couples face: lovely, carefree times that brought us so close together, and also hardships that tested our resolve. But at the end of the day, my love for you is strong. And it’s with love and joy that I sit here and celebrate the year that has passed since a very a momentous event in our lives. Honey, let’s drink a toast to this, the one-year anniversary of our very first abortion!

Sweetheart, in lots of ways, I never knew what love was until you and I made that life-altering trip down 17th Street to the Free Clinic and had that abortion. I’ll admit, when you first told me you were pregnant, it scared the hell out of me. I mean, of course, we’d been having unprotected sex without birth control for over two years, but nobody–and I mean nobody–expects this. It came out of nowhere! But then we had to make some serious choices, and what choices could we make? A coat hanger was an attractive option, but I’ll admit, at the end of the day, going down to visit Dr. Judy Steinmann was the best choice.

Believe me, I thought about the consequences of having a child long and hard. If we decided to keep that baby, that might mean I’d have to stop cheating on you with Kelly down at O’Reilly’s. If we kept that baby, it might mean we’d have to move out of my parents’ place. It might mean I’d have to give up my $575/week job as a machinist for something more financially stable for our budding family. Having a baby might mean that we’d have to give up getting drunk and high every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and verbally and physically abusing one another in a public location before being arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct and released a few hours later on $500 bail. If we kept that baby, you would’ve gotten full-on pregnant, and God knows I’d be too grossed out to ever sleep with you again. But I know in my heart, honey, that we made the right choice.

After all, having a baby is a big deal. And being only 41, I can say I don’t really think I’m mature enough to handle the responsibilities of raising a child. A significant amount of time and energy has to be invested in order to properly raise a child, and care must be taken to ensure the physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being of that new life. Of course, I’m not ruling it out completely–who knows? Maybe a few years down the line, we’d be able to handle it. But until then, here’s to embracing this abortion, and to having several more in the near future!

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Editor’s Note: Jasper McNamara is a featured guest columnist on this blog. Though valued for his insightful, incisive analysis on topics pertaining to everyday life and world news, it should be stressed that his views do not necessary represent the views of the owners of this blog.

Jasper, born in San Francisco in 1968 to a Mexican mother and an Irish father, is known affectionately to his friends as “The Irish-Mexican Bastard”. He’s currently a machinist, and lives with his mother Roberta and his father William in the Castro.

Opinion: “Tiger Woods Loves the Pussy!”

Editor’s Note: Jasper McNamara will be a featured guest columnist on this blog. Though valued for his insightful, incisive analysis on topics pertaining to everyday life and world news, it should be stressed that his views do not necessary represent the views of the owners of this blog.

Jasper, born in San Francisco in 1968 to a Mexican mother and an Irish father, is known affectionately to his friends as “The Irish-Mexican Bastard”. He’s currently a machinist, and lives with his mother Roberta and his father William in the Castro.

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When Tiger Woods first burst onto the scene thirteen years ago as a baby-faced, 21 year old golfing phenom, it was the beginning of a life smack in the center of the world’s athletic stage. Now, after nearly a decade and a half of carefully crafting his public persona, Tiger’s clean-cut image is coming under scrutiny for the first time. After a suspicious crash early last Friday morning, it has come out that this married father of two has not one, but three alleged mistresses. Now I for one have no idea how he’s going to come out of this whole ordeal, but I do know one thing: Tiger loves the pussy!

Just think about it, man! Three women in just the last few days–who knows how much pussy Tiger’s got on the side? I’m guessing dozens; after all, he is the most recognizable, marketable face on the planet. It was only a matter of time before that face was smothered in endless pussy just looking to get somewhere near his billion dollars.

Every great man in history has had a little pussy on the side, and it seems like Tiger’s no exception. In fact, reading into it a bit, it seems like Tiger favors cocktail waitress pussy. Actually, I should say cocktail waitress-slash-wannabe singer-slash-wannabe model-slash-wannabe actress-slash-wannabe reality television personality pussy. But hey, who am I to criticize? The best pussy I can get is Kelly over at O’Reilly’s on Green–you know, the one with the bad skin? Or maybe Maria, that hooker in Zona Norte that I see whenever I’m down in Tijuana. Yeah, she’s pretty good pussy.

True to his public facade-self, Tiger has handled the situation smoothly: legally turning down requests to speak with local police following his crash, and releasing  through his website vague, nebulous apologetic statements to his family and the public for his unspecified sins and shortcomings. He’s not as dumb as Eliot Spitzer–no need to get the Feds involved in this pussy parade!

Anyway, the point is this: Tiger’s a human being, and we must judge him as a whole, not just based on these allegations. We mustn’t forget his commitment to excellence on the golf course, his innumerable achievements, and especially the wonderful charity work he has done worldwide. He has his shortcomings, yes, but what human being doesn’t? He has apologized for his behavior, and I’m sure he and his family will now take part in a long healing process. But in the meantime, there’s no telling just how much pussy’s gonna come forward and admit to taking a ride on the Tiger Train.

Bob Dylan Buys First Cell Phone

Rock Legend Buys Apple iPhone

-New York, New York (AIP)

Those close to legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan have confirmed that the 68 year old Pulitzer Prize winner has recently purchased his first cell phone. The phone, which he bought from an AT&T Store in New York, is said to be an Apple iPhone.

“Bob’s been pretty reluctant to take to the new technology,” says longtime friend and road crew member Terry Barnes. “I mean, it was only when he was working on Modern Times that he first caught onto the internet, but even then, he was so stubborn: ‘There ain’t no way I’m touchin’ those damn internets…who the hell knows where they’re comin’ from…’”

According to Barnes, after he finally convinced Dylan to purchase a cell phone, Dylan opted for an iPhone because three of his children had one. He chose the 3G version of the iPhone rather than the newer, more technologically advanced 3GS because “it’s cheaper, and he didn’t know what the hell the extra ‘S’ stood for anyway.”

Others close to Dylan have confirmed that the man who famously wrote “The Times They Are a-Changin’” has been reluctant to keep up with the times himself.

“Dad’s a pretty bare bones guy,” says filmmaker son Jesse Dylan. “When he’s on the road, he usually sleeps in motels instead of fancy hotels, and even when he’s home, he’s usually on the couch. I mean, even though he was interested in all of it, he refused to touch computers and the internet for ages. I think he was afraid he might get pulled in too deep, you know? But once I showed him stuff like Wikipedia and porn, he really started getting into it.”

In the meantime, friends, family, and those who tour with Dylan continue getting used to the rock icon and his new, high-tech friend.

“Bob’s really blown away by his new iPhone,” says longtime bassist Tony Garnier . “I mean, the first time he received a call and it showed the number of who’s calling, even that freaked him out. I don’t think he knew about caller ID before. And just yesterday, he runs up to me all excited saying, ‘Hey, Tony, d’you see this? I can take a picture, look, see that?’ He’s like a little kid that damn thing.”

Adds Garnier: “I would have been surprised with anybody else, but then again, Bob never even knew they made color TVs until 1997…”

Jewish Mathematicians Speak Out Against Antisymmetry

Jewish Mathematicians Speak Out Against Antisymmetry

-Ithaca, New York (Rueters)

The Association of Jewish American Mathematicians released a press statement Friday admonishing the mathematical community at large for the use of antisymmetric functions and operators, and denouncing antisymmetry in general.

According to Association Vice President and Cornell mathematics professor Dr. Israel Ben David, “The notion of antisymmetry is one that is deeply ingrained in our mathematical minds, and it’s one that needs to be done away with. Need I tell you what terrors the Levi-Civita symbol is capable of? Or of the numbers of nameless men, women, and children that lost their lives on account of the evil found in an antisymmetric tensor?”

Added Ben David: “Even anticommutative operators make me sick.”

Ben David has outlined a program to eliminate all mention of antisymmetry in public high school mathematics texts, and will file a petition to the Association of American Public Universities asking that texts containing topics relating to antisymmetry be available only to students requesting the specific title for non-mathematics use.

“My goal is to eradicate all traces of antisymmetry in public mathematics curricula,” says Ben David. “And I’ll burn every goddamn book that mentions it if I have to.”