Area Neat Freak Cleans Bottle of Hand Sanitizer With Hand Sanitizer from Other Bottle of Hand Sanitizer

Area Neat Freak Cleans Bottle of Hand Sanitizer With Hand Sanitizer from Other Bottle of Hand Sanitizer

-Mayberry, North Carolia (Rueters)

Sources close to her suggest that area neat freak Annie Boyd regularly cleans her hand sanitizer bottles with hand sanitizer taken from another bottle of hand sanitizer. According to longtime friend and ant farmer Hunter “Fuzzy” LaFarge, Annie is not only a neat freak, but also a germophobe who regularly organizes the spices on her spice rack alphabetically. As of press time, Boyd was reportedly hand washing her freshly-laundered clothes in her recently bleached bathtub “since the washing machines were probably really, really dirty.”

Ford Announces Foray into Minicar Market with New “Faggotmobile”

Ford Announces Foray into Minicar Market with New “Faggotmobile”

-Dearborn, Michigan (AIP)

Struggling automaker Ford announced Friday its entry into the minicar market with the unveiling of the 2011 Ford Faggotmobile. The announcement comes on the heels of Ford’s promise earlier last week to move towards producing more efficient, environmentally-friendly vehicles.

According to Ford President and CEO Alan Mulally, “The new Faggotmobile represents a huge leap forward in our goal to manufacture a greener car. The Faggotmobile will tap into markets we’ve previously ignored or alienated.”

When asked why, after so many years, Ford has finally begun in earnest producing economical, low-emissions vehicles, Mulally was straightforward.

“Our large trucks and SUVs have been catering to a masculine, middle-American demographic that doesn’t give a crap about gas emissions, the environment, and money spent on gasoline. But with the new Faggotmobile, we hope to reach out to vegans, tree-huggers, Naderites, and queers—in short, the annoyingly-vocal minorities that increasingly have been dictating American public policy. It’s our way to make sure we can get money from the damn Obama Administration to salvage our goddamn company.”

According to Mulally, the Faggotmobile will vaguely resemble a Smart Car, available in a two-door model and a three-door hatchback designed specifically for lesbians. It will seat two and will boast a fuel economy rating of approximately 60 miles per gallon. Options will include flower decals on the exterior, copies of Unsafe at Any Speed in the glove compartment, and official Starbucks cupholders.

The Faggotmobile, which will go on sale in the first quarter of 2010, will debut at a suggested retail price of 7,995 USD.

“Most Interesting Man in the World” Still Wets the Bed

Distinguished Diplomat and Olympic Gold Medalist Also Wears Adult Diapers

Monte Carlo, Monaco (AIP)

According to sources close to him, the Most Interesting Man in the World still involuntarily urinates in his sleep. The Interesting Man, who is known to hold a Ph.D. in Particle Physics from MIT and have served in numerous diplomatic posts in the United Nations, is currently dating several Brazilian supermodels. He also apparently wears adult diapers in the daytime, and has suffered from poor bladder control for the majority of his adult life.

MIT Mathematicians Engaged in Love n-gon

MIT Mathematicians Engaged in Love n-gon

-Cambridge, Massachusetts (Rueters)

Reports suggest that a collection of n mathematicians from the Mathematics Department of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are engaged in a love n-gon with one another.  The sordid affair, which apparently began as a love triangle between Drs. Marla Washington, Quentin Fabregas, and Jorge Manafuertes, soon escalated to a love rectangle involving number theorist Dr. Jerry Huang. Before long, the liaison exploded into an affair involving n mathematicians. It is believed that of the possible n(n-1)/2 couplings, only one—involving differential geometer Hans Grauhauser and combinatorialist Ravi Ramakrishnan—has yet to be consummated.

Orlando Magic Still Bleeding Profusely Out of Their Asses

Orlando Magic Still Bleeding Profusely Out of Their Asses

Orlando, Florida (AIP)

Sources report that the Orlando Magic are still bleeding profusely out of their asses. The reports come nearly two days after LeBron James’ stunning, buzzer-beating three-pointer that gave the Cleveland Cavaliers the win in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals. It is unknown if the Magic will be able to stop the relentless flow of blood from their ani before the 8:30 PM (EST) start of Game 3.

Study: Unattractive Women Effectively Hide Appearance With Group Facebook Profile Pictures

Ugly Women Hope to Confuse Unknowing Visitors With More Attractive Friends

-Los Angeles, California (Rueters)

A new study conducted by the Center for Internet Research (CIR) revealed that women deemed “unattractive” tend to effectively hide their appearance by posting group profile pictures on the popular social-networking site Facebook, rather than pictures showcasing their individual ugliness.

According to Miranda Gordiant, spokeswoman for CIR, “Women who are—to be frank—ugly often suffer from image issues. Our study has shown that such women often set their Facebook profile pictures to photographs including not only themselves, but several, much more attractive friends in the hope that visitors to their personal profiles will confuse them with their more attractive friends.”

In the course of the study, individual photographs of 2,000 women with Facebook profiles were presented to a group of 10 men. The men then rated the women as either “Attractive”, “Average”, or “Ugly”.  Of those given an average rating of “Ugly” (1,697 out of 2,000), it was found that 92% had set their profile pictures to one including several other, more attractive friends. 6% of the ugly women posted pictures that were vague or made their appearance indiscernible to the casual viewer.

“Facebook has positioned itself as a prominent tool in social interaction,” says Gordiant. “And our findings show that the same insecurities that plague ugly-ass women in the real world plague ugly-ass women on the internet.”

Gay Rights, Religious Groups in Uproar Over New “L’il Faggots” Toy Line

Gay Rights, Religious Groups in Uproar Over New “L’il Faggots” Toy Line

-Pawtucket, Rhode Island (Rueters)

Toymaking giant Harsbro, perhaps best known as the maker of classic games such as Monapoly, has come under fire from gay rights activists after announcing the upcoming release of a new toy line aimed at gay children. The toy line, named “L’il Faggots”, is believed to be the first foray by any major toymaker into the gay youth demographic. The name of the toy line, however, has many crying “foul”.

“Faggot” is considered by most members of the gay community to be a derogatory slur, and Harsbro’s choice to include the term “faggot” in a children’s toy line has drawn harsh rebukes. The New York Queen’s Alliance, a gay rights activist group, is spearheading the effort to prevent Harsbro from releasing “L’il Faggots” next month.

Said Chad-Troy Farvish, spokesman for the New York Queen’s Alliance, “I mean, like, I understand that they’re trying to, like, reach gay youths, but, like, they didn’t have to, like, use the f-word. That’s just, like, totally out of line.”

Farvish spoke with a pronounced lisp and wore a tight, pink shirt reading “Sexy Bitch”.

Adding to the controversy are the individual toys that have been unveiled thus far. G.I. Joe-style action figures dressed in thongs, studded leather vests, and high-heeled boots are being targeted for their stereotypical depiction of gays. A doll depicting a hirsute, obese man wearing a diaper and named Daddy Bear Bruno has been criticized as incorrectly conflating the “bear” gay subculture and unrelated diaper-fetishism.

Conservative and religious groups, spearheaded by Families Against Gays (FAG) and several representatives of the Roman Catholic Church, are targeting the toys for different reasons altogether. According to Monsignor Gregory O’Brien, “These toys have no place in the marketplace. Marketing toys like these to innocent children tempts them to the Devil’s side. I cannot stress enough that releasing these toys will represent a huge moral lapse on our society’s part and will represent yet another drop in the standards of our mores.”

In the meantime, Farvish and the New York Queens are organizing a massive boycott of Harsbro products, enlisting the help of organizations such as Queer Nation. They are recruiting the aid of lawyers from the ACLU to determine which possible legal avenues may be taken to block the release of the “L’il Faggots” toy line.

“Like, basically, we’re just hoping to, like, raise the visibility of this issue. I mean, like, enough is enough, right?” continued Farvish. “Harsbro’s totally got to be stopped. And we’re going to make sure that, like, people know that just because we’re gay, we can’t, like, be insulted like this.”

Added Farvish, with one hand perched on his hip and the other hanging limp in midair, “And, like, just because I wear a totally hot fishnet thong, that doesn’t mean all of us do.”

Harvard University Scientists Plot Patterns of Sexual Behavior in Hamster Populations

Professor: 1 in 7 Hamsters is a Rapist

-Cambridge, Massachusetts (AIP)

Scientists at Harvard University announced Friday the findings of a two-year study in which they documented patterns of sexual behavior and rape in hamster populations. The full results of the study, which was funded by a grant from the National Center for Research on Animal Social Behavior (NCFROASB), will be published in the June volume of Animal Sexuality.

According to the head of the study, Harvard ethologist Dr. Heinz Katz, hamster sexuality has been an issue of interest to animal and human sociologists alike for quite some time.

“Hamsters are interesting in that, when left in colonies to develop their own social structure, the inter-hamster relationships formed have many of the characteristics of human relationships. Thus we knew that by charting the patterns of rape in our hamster specimens, we may be able to extrapolate to sexual assault in human populations,” explained Dr. Katz.

During the course of the study, 28 randomly-chosen Syrian hamsters—14 males and 14 females—were observed while going about their daily routines in a large, specially-constructed hamster habitat. Tracking devices attached to each of the hamsters’ legs allowed researchers to plot interactions between each specimen at all times, and temperature sensors tracked sexual couplings.

Among the findings were:

• 64% of the 28 initial hamsters formed stable, monogamous pairings and raised pups in a family-like environment. During the course of the study, 3,247 pups were born; all were subsequently eliminated so as to facilitate monitoring of the original 28.
• The rest engaged in promiscuous behavior, partaking regularly in sexual acts as a means of building social bonds, obtaining food (mainly hamster pellets, but also lettuce and hamster feces), and asserting social dominance.
• Of the 10 hamsters that engaged in promiscuous behavior, 9 engaged in gay and bisexual acts, including (but not limited to) anal copulation, oral sex, and the Dirty Sanchez.
• All of the hamsters were raped. 3 male hamsters and 1 female hamster were responsible for all of the rapes.

According to Dr. Katz, “these findings represent a major milestone in modeling patterns of behavior in human populations.”

“I will work closely with several population statisticians in order to interpret the results of the study in a meaningful manner,” said Katz. “My hope is that we can then provide the information to law enforcement agencies across the country as a preventative measure. And if my assumptions are correct—as I believe they are—then about 1 in 7 people is a rapist. In other words, there nearly 43 million rapists in America.”

Katz and his group have also announced plans to investigate the prevalence of hermaphroditic penguins in the Antarctic in an effort to better understand the number of intersex individuals in a given population.

Merriam-Webster to Redirect Entries for “Unskilled Labor”, “Migrant Worker” to “Mexican” in Next Edition of Dictionary

Merriam-Webster to Redirect Entries for “Unskilled Labor”, “Migrant Worker” to “Mexican” in Next Edition of Dictionary

-Springfield, MA (AIP)

Publisher Merriam-Webster, best known for its dictionaries, announced controversial plans to redirect the entries for “unskilled labor” and “migrant worker” to the word “Mexican” in the updated version of Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, set to be published next spring.

In a statement released Thursday, the longtime publisher revealed their motivations for the move, which some pro-immigration and Hispanic-American groups have decried as racist and discriminatory.

“Our studies have shown that, for all intents and purposes, in common English parlance, the terms ‘unskilled labor’ and ‘migrant worker’ are virtually synonymous with the term ‘Mexican’. To not reference ‘Mexican’ in the entries for these phrases would be an insult and blow to the integrity of the English language as spoken in the United States.”

Some feel that this will introduce a subtle and “understood” strand of racism in the fabric of the English language.

According to the Vice President of The Hispanic-American Association of America (HAAA), Vicente Hidalgo, “Hispanic-Americans are already discriminated against as it is. We don’t need one of the most influential legislative bodies of the English language passing racist terminology as law. Whether or not migrant workers and unskilled laborers are in fact for the most part Mexican is totally beside the point. This blatant and unending racism against Hispanic-Americans must end. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a burrito.”

Not all, however, see the controversy. According to University of Texas Professor of Social Linguistics Clarke Luther, “The purpose of any dictionary is to accurately reflect the norms of the language it seeks to codify. Language is a dynamic, ever-changing entity, always a product of the society which it permeates. Consequently, our dictionaries must be adapted to accommodate this constant state of flux.”

Added Luther, “Plus, whenever I think about migrant workers and unskilled laborers, I think about Mexicans.”

Mathematician Pulled Over For Speeding Claims He Thought Speed Limit Was “Greatest Lower Bound”

Mathematician Pulled Over For Speeding Claims He Thought Speed Limit Was “Greatest Lower Bound”

-New Haven, CT (AIP)

When stopped for speeding on New England Interstate Route 10 Tuesday evening, Yale University mathematics professor Gary Newman claimed he thought the posted speed limit was in fact an “infimum”, or greatest lower bound to the allowable driving speed.

According to a report filed by Connecticut State Policeman Charles Gunther—who pulled Newman over—when told that he was going nearly 55 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone, Newman replied, “So? That’s an infimum, right?” In response to the puzzled look on Trooper Gunther’s face, Newman continued, “You know, like a greatest lower bound? I mean, 25 is slowest I can drive, right? As long as go faster than that, I’m okay.”

Newman was then informed that it was not in fact okay, and was detained for resisting arrest. He was freed later that evening after posting bail.

When approached for comment, Newman replied, “Geez, he didn’t need to arrest me. I mean he could have just told me the speed limit was a supremum.”

Added Newman: “At least I didn’t mention the Dichotomy Paradox with regards to slowing down. I guess that would have really gotten me in trouble.”