Bob Dylan Buys First Cell Phone

Rock Legend Buys Apple iPhone

-New York, New York (AIP)

Those close to legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan have confirmed that the 68 year old Pulitzer Prize winner has recently purchased his first cell phone. The phone, which he bought from an AT&T Store in New York, is said to be an Apple iPhone.

“Bob’s been pretty reluctant to take to the new technology,” says longtime friend and road crew member Terry Barnes. “I mean, it was only when he was working on Modern Times that he first caught onto the internet, but even then, he was so stubborn: ‘There ain’t no way I’m touchin’ those damn internets…who the hell knows where they’re comin’ from…’”

According to Barnes, after he finally convinced Dylan to purchase a cell phone, Dylan opted for an iPhone because three of his children had one. He chose the 3G version of the iPhone rather than the newer, more technologically advanced 3GS because “it’s cheaper, and he didn’t know what the hell the extra ‘S’ stood for anyway.”

Others close to Dylan have confirmed that the man who famously wrote “The Times They Are a-Changin’” has been reluctant to keep up with the times himself.

“Dad’s a pretty bare bones guy,” says filmmaker son Jesse Dylan. “When he’s on the road, he usually sleeps in motels instead of fancy hotels, and even when he’s home, he’s usually on the couch. I mean, even though he was interested in all of it, he refused to touch computers and the internet for ages. I think he was afraid he might get pulled in too deep, you know? But once I showed him stuff like Wikipedia and porn, he really started getting into it.”

In the meantime, friends, family, and those who tour with Dylan continue getting used to the rock icon and his new, high-tech friend.

“Bob’s really blown away by his new iPhone,” says longtime bassist Tony Garnier . “I mean, the first time he received a call and it showed the number of who’s calling, even that freaked him out. I don’t think he knew about caller ID before. And just yesterday, he runs up to me all excited saying, ‘Hey, Tony, d’you see this? I can take a picture, look, see that?’ He’s like a little kid that damn thing.”

Adds Garnier: “I would have been surprised with anybody else, but then again, Bob never even knew they made color TVs until 1997…”

Jewish Mathematicians Speak Out Against Antisymmetry

Jewish Mathematicians Speak Out Against Antisymmetry

-Ithaca, New York (Rueters)

The Association of Jewish American Mathematicians released a press statement Friday admonishing the mathematical community at large for the use of antisymmetric functions and operators, and denouncing antisymmetry in general.

According to Association Vice President and Cornell mathematics professor Dr. Israel Ben David, “The notion of antisymmetry is one that is deeply ingrained in our mathematical minds, and it’s one that needs to be done away with. Need I tell you what terrors the Levi-Civita symbol is capable of? Or of the numbers of nameless men, women, and children that lost their lives on account of the evil found in an antisymmetric tensor?”

Added Ben David: “Even anticommutative operators make me sick.”

Ben David has outlined a program to eliminate all mention of antisymmetry in public high school mathematics texts, and will file a petition to the Association of American Public Universities asking that texts containing topics relating to antisymmetry be available only to students requesting the specific title for non-mathematics use.

“My goal is to eradicate all traces of antisymmetry in public mathematics curricula,” says Ben David. “And I’ll burn every goddamn book that mentions it if I have to.”

Sarah Palin Slams Photograph She Agreed to Pose For As “Sexist”

Sarah Palin Slams Photograph She Agreed to Pose For As “Sexist”

Sarah Palin, 2008 Republican Vice Presidential nominee and perpetual whining bitch, has slammed the photograph on the cover of this week’s Newsweek.

In a message posted on her Facebook page, Palin criticized the photograph–which was from a photo shoot for an August Runner’s World article and which features her in simple running attire–as “sexist”, despite the fact that she agreed to pose for it.

In continuing her tirade against the media for what she judges is her mistreatment at their hands, Palin also mentioned that “it shows why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin”, completely failing to notice that the metaphor breaks down with the inclusion of “gender” and “skin color”, since books generally do not have a gender or skin color.

Sources close to President Barack Obama are claiming that he himself has been displeased for some time with his image on the cover of Newsweek’s special 2008 election issue, citing his depiction as a black man as “racist”.

Obama Recommends Bathing in Hand Sanitizer as Part of New “Green” Initiative

Recommendation Spearheads Administration’s Water Conservation Efforts

-Washington, DC (Rueters)

President Barack Obama, in a press conference held jointly with Secretary of Energy Steven Chu, announced Tuesday a new eco-friendly initiative in which Americans will be urged to stop taking baths and showers and use bottled, alcohol-based hand sanitizers instead. The effort, code-named Project Hand-San, seeks to reduce domestic water usage numbers by about 10 percent by encouraging Americans to wash themselves daily, semi-daily, or even weekly using only hand sanitizers.

According to Secretary Chu, “Nearly 10 percent of all water used in the domestic setting comes from showers and baths. With Project Hand-San, we will try and eliminate this source of water usage completely by encouraging Americans to bathe in soft, soothing, silky hand sanitizer. Just imagine squeezing some all over your body, onto your face, your chest, your belly, your arms, your legs, your genitals…and rubbing and rubbing until it’s all dry…ahhh…”

After a moment during which he drooled with his mouth wide open, Secretary Chu continued, “Anyway, the point is that this is a no-mess way with which to clean your body. You even further reduce water usage by eliminating the need to clean towels, which by this point would be all but unnecessary. By proceeding with Project Hand-San, we will be able to avoid the monetary and environmental costs associated with using water to clean oneself.”

Part of the effort to promote the usage of hand sanitizer will include government-sponsored ads featuring models and well-known actors and actresses such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Penelope Cruz rubbing their naked bodies with hand sanitizer. Further plans include the subsidizing of companies such as Purell to produce more quantities of hand sanitizer, and packaged in larger, 5-gallon ketchup-style dispensers.

Also envisioned as an extension to Project Hand-San is a massive effort to reduce the amount of toilet water used.

According to President Obama, “Statistics show that 10 to 15 percent of domestic water use is due to toilet-flushing. That’s why, as a part of Project Hand-San, we are also trying to reduce the number of times Americans flush their toilets. Our new motto, which will be featured heavily in the form of television, print, and online advertising will be ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s a big brown shit, let it sit’.”

Added Obama with a smile, “That one was my idea.”

In all, Project Hand-San—along with its toilet-usage reduction provision—will have the potential to reduce household water usage numbers by almost 20 percent. And while many liberals and environmentalists are hailing the move, others are bound to remain apprehensive.

CNN contributor Candy Crowley suggests, “This will be a difficult move for many to make; Americans are notoriously ritualized about things like bathing habits, and many will be hesitant or skeptical to make such changes in their daily routines. But I must admit, the idea of rubbing cool, smooth hand sanitizer over the mountainous folds of skin on my naked torso while a massive dookie floats in the toilet behind me is pretty hot.”

Police Search for Rape Suspect with “ASSRPST” Vanity Plate

Police Search for Rape Suspect with “ASSRPST” Vanity Plate

-Bronx, New York (AIP)

Police are investigating a rape that occurred near the intersection of Willis Avenue and East 140th Street in the South Bronx early Tuesday morning. Preliminary reports suggest that an unidentified bystander heard screams coming from a third floor apartment at approximately 2:35 AM, after which a suspect was observed fleeing down the fire escape. The suspect, who was described as a black male in his mid- to late-20s of thin build and medium height, then fled in a dark, mid-90s model Honda Civic. According to the witness, the vehicle bears a New York-registered vanity plate reading “ASSRPST”. Police encourage anyone with information regarding this crime to contact the New York Police Department.

Breaking News: Area Man Turning in Werewolf

Breaking News: Area Man Turning in Werewolf

Bernie Madoff Raped in Prison for the First Time

Bernie Madoff Raped in Prison for the First Time

-Butner, North Carolina (Rueters)

Bernie Madoff, who last week was imprisoned in Butner Federal Correctional Facility to a 150-year sentence for defrauding investors of billions of dollars, has reportedly experienced his first prison rape. Madoff reportedly dropped a bar of soap in the communal shower when he was mounted by a fellow white-collar criminal, mobster Angelo “Big Salami” D’Angelo, who was sentenced to a 125-year prison sentence in 1998 for racketeering. The forced copulation lasted approximately 43 seconds, after which Madoff fell to the wet floor, was kicked, and was informed by D’Angelo that he was “gonna be [D’Angelo’s] bitch for a while.”

Area Asshole Contemplates Buying Black Crown Victoria So People Think He’s a Cop

Area Asshole Contemplates Buying Black Crown Victoria So People Think He’s a Cop

-Signal Hill, California (AIP)

According to sources, Signal Hill man D’Lonte McMaster has been contemplating buying a black Ford Crown Victoria so that other drivers would think he was a highway patrolman. The assholeish consideration comes after the 33 year old bank teller reportedly freaked out after driving drunk and spotting a black Crown Victoria on the 405 Freeway early Sunday morning, only to realize it was a civilian vehicle. According to McMaster’s longtime friend and confidante O’Mario Harbree, “it would be fucking awesome to have one…just to fuck with these motherfuckers, you know what I’m saying?”

“Lately, My Stool’s Been a Yellowish-Green,” Coworker Informs You

“Lately, My Stool’s Been a Yellowish-Green,” Coworker Informs You

-The Coffee Machine, Your Office (AIP)

This morning, coworker Stephan Gershwin informed you at the coffee machine that “lately, [his] stool’s been a yellowish-green color”. Gershwin, who recently also informed you that he has had trouble performing sexually as of late, and that he found copious amounts of marijuana and heroin in his son’s room, is not sure what has been causing the change in his feces’ color, but apparently feels that he “may need more fiber in [his] diet”.

Area Man Masturbates to Self

Area Man Masturbates to Self

-Plano, Texas (AIP)

Various reports suggest that Plano resident Keith Stroker, 28, masturbated to himself Saturday night while drunk at a party at longtime friend Jerome “Jerry” Harkingorder’s home. Stroker, who has exhibited neither gay or incestuous tendencies in the past, was reportedly so taken by himself that when seeing himself in the bathroom mirror after an inebriated urination session, he could not help but gratify himself while fantasizing about himself.  Stroker (who was involved in no other confirmed sexual activity during the night in question), denied any such self-directed auto-erotic activity. He did, however, vaguely remember “banging this ugly sort of chick at Jerry’s. It was okay.”

Area Man Masturbates to Self

-Plano, Texas (AIP)

Various reports suggest that Plano resident Keith Stroker, 28, masturbated to himself Saturday night while drunk at a party at longtime friend Jerome “Jerry” Harkingorder’s home. Stroker, who has exhibited neither gay or incestuous tendencies in the past, was reportedly so taken by himself that when seeing himself in the bathroom mirror after an inebriated urination session, he could not help but gratify himself while fantasizing about himself. Stroker, when questioned about the incident, denied any such self-directed auto-erotic activity. He did, however, vaguely remember “banging this ugly sort of chick at Jerry’s. It was okay.”