Harvard University Scientists Plot Patterns of Sexual Behavior in Hamster Populations

Professor: 1 in 7 Hamsters is a Rapist

-Cambridge, Massachusetts (AIP)

Scientists at Harvard University announced Friday the findings of a two-year study in which they documented patterns of sexual behavior and rape in hamster populations. The full results of the study, which was funded by a grant from the National Center for Research on Animal Social Behavior (NCFROASB), will be published in the June volume of Animal Sexuality.

According to the head of the study, Harvard ethologist Dr. Heinz Katz, hamster sexuality has been an issue of interest to animal and human sociologists alike for quite some time.

“Hamsters are interesting in that, when left in colonies to develop their own social structure, the inter-hamster relationships formed have many of the characteristics of human relationships. Thus we knew that by charting the patterns of rape in our hamster specimens, we may be able to extrapolate to sexual assault in human populations,” explained Dr. Katz.

During the course of the study, 28 randomly-chosen Syrian hamsters—14 males and 14 females—were observed while going about their daily routines in a large, specially-constructed hamster habitat. Tracking devices attached to each of the hamsters’ legs allowed researchers to plot interactions between each specimen at all times, and temperature sensors tracked sexual couplings.

Among the findings were:

• 64% of the 28 initial hamsters formed stable, monogamous pairings and raised pups in a family-like environment. During the course of the study, 3,247 pups were born; all were subsequently eliminated so as to facilitate monitoring of the original 28.
• The rest engaged in promiscuous behavior, partaking regularly in sexual acts as a means of building social bonds, obtaining food (mainly hamster pellets, but also lettuce and hamster feces), and asserting social dominance.
• Of the 10 hamsters that engaged in promiscuous behavior, 9 engaged in gay and bisexual acts, including (but not limited to) anal copulation, oral sex, and the Dirty Sanchez.
• All of the hamsters were raped. 3 male hamsters and 1 female hamster were responsible for all of the rapes.

According to Dr. Katz, “these findings represent a major milestone in modeling patterns of behavior in human populations.”

“I will work closely with several population statisticians in order to interpret the results of the study in a meaningful manner,” said Katz. “My hope is that we can then provide the information to law enforcement agencies across the country as a preventative measure. And if my assumptions are correct—as I believe they are—then about 1 in 7 people is a rapist. In other words, there nearly 43 million rapists in America.”

Katz and his group have also announced plans to investigate the prevalence of hermaphroditic penguins in the Antarctic in an effort to better understand the number of intersex individuals in a given population.